Metal Shark Player

Whatever the hell I want to write

Sriracha

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Sriracha is our Lord and savior. It is the North Star that guides lost sailors home. It is the watch dog that protects our children as they sleep in their beds. It is the woman you hold in your arms in the still of night. It is a hot sauce.

Sriracha originated in Thailand, home of many spicy things. There are many commercially available varieties but, when I talk about sriracha, I’m referring specifically to the sauce made by Huy Fong Foods, pictured above. Huy Fong Foods was started by David Tran, a Vietnamese chili farmer that sold chili sauce out of Saigon before fleeing in the late 70’s after the war. He arrived in Los Angeles in 1980 and founded Huy Fong Foods. The company is staffed only by eight members of the Tran family and sells a shit-ton of hot sauce. David Tran is an incalculably big boss and a credit to mankind. I’m sure other brands make excellent sriracha, but I’ve never had them so fuck you.

Sriracha is not complicated. It consists of chili, sugar, salt, garlic, and distilled vinegar, as well as potassium sorbate and sodium bisulfite as preservatives and, finally,  xanthan gum to keep all the ingredients from separating. That way, you don’t have to shake it up every time you use it. Thanks Mr. Tran, good on you.

In the back of your mind you might be thinking, “What the fuck is potassium sorbate? Why am I eating sodium bisulfite? Are these unnatural chemical additives that will give me AIDS?” Well let me tell you a few things: 1) The back of your mind is gay. 2) No, you won’t get AIDS, that’s a sexually transmitted disease.

I bought my first bottle of Sriracha during my first semester of college. Because my school’s dining hall food literally caused me to vomit every time I attempted eating it, I was forced to provide all of my own food for the first time in my life. As a result, I ate almost nothing but instant ramen. On the recommendation of Street Fighter legend Alex Valle, I purchased a bottle of sriracha to add some spice to my life. I knew I was buying the right thing because I had seen Asian people bring it into restaurants and add it to their food. At first, I added only a few drops. Any more was simply overpowering. I have never been a huge spicy food guy, always enjoying the flavor of chili based foods more than their capsaicin. The sriracha added a warm, garlicky layer to the broth, as well as a little tingle. To this day, I have not eaten ramen without it and the amount I use has grown. I now add it liberally, deliberately unmeasured. I enjoy the variance; no bowl of ramen is the same as the last.

My affair with sriracha did not stop with ramen. As I soon discovered, Sriracha is the perfect seasoning for everything that you put in your mouth. I am not exaggerating. Last week I found myself without any food in my apartment; I stole a piece of my roommate’s wheat bread and put sriracha on it. Fucking outstanding. I’ve added it to sandwiches, EasyMac, salads, eggs, fruit, and pasta. Cooking any kind of meat on the stove? Put some sriracha on and let it sizzle in. Eating something boring or bad? Put a bunch of sriracha on it. Just today I found a revolutionary new use: adding a few drops to my glass of tinny, disgusting tap-water. Now it tastes fucking incredible.

The beauty is in the ease of use. Twist open the top, squeeze the bottle, and your food tastes better. It’s empowering. I know nothing about cooking anything beyond eggs, toast, and frozen foods with instructions on them. Before sriracha, I would almost never fuck with the food that I am eating. Who was I to say that this tuna was boring? What the fuck did I know about herbs and spices? After finding sriracha, I add whatever the fuck I want to my food. I still don’t know anything about herbs and spices, but my overwhelmingly positive experience with sriracha gave me the courage to try shit out, which is how you learn. I made EasyMac earlier tonight and put paprika, Jane’ s Krazy Mixed-Up Pepper, garlic powder, and sriracha in it. I have added fennel and garlic to ramen to give it an Italian kick. I am now fearless with the spice rack, limited only by my imagination and what my roommate chooses to stock. Fear of the unknown is something humanity has been struggling with forever. Sriracha has murdered that fear and made it taste great.

Sriracha is a hot sauce, but it is also much more. It’s a man’s journey from war-torn despair to self-made prosperity. It’s a culinary Chinese army shovel. It’s the power of the sun in the palm of your hand. It’s our Lord and savior. Spread the good news. Sriracha.

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Written by metalsharkplayer

December 13, 2011 at 4:21 am

Posted in Reviews, Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

One Response

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  1. I find the bottle design to be perfectly suited for sriracha-enemas. It sounds rather unpleasant, I know and believe me when I say it is, but I mention it only to further medical science.

    sam

    June 4, 2012 at 10:12 am


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